No One Has What It Takes to Lead Margaritaville

Ah, Margaritaville Times Square, a land of contrasts. A beacon of beach chill in the middle of New York’s most upsettingly busy neighborhood. A place with terrible food and surprisingly good cocktails. A place that has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy twice in an attempt to refinance $309 million in debt, raising the question, “If Margaritaville is foreclosed, is there a chance I could buy the giant light-up Statue of Liberty??”

But it looks like it might survive. This morning, a friend sent me this job listing for a director of operations at the New York location. Too bad I don’t fit the bill. According to the requirements, no one does.

The full-time position boasts a six-figure salary and benefits like tuition reimbursement and a “fun, upbeat working environment.” But aside from job duties like leading managers in strategic development and maintaining revenue reports, there are a slew of physical requirements and “Essential Mental Alertness Requirements” that make me wonder if anyone at any job can live up to this.

Many of the physical requirements, such as the ability to lift 30 pounds and spend most of your time standing, do sound like a lot of jobs that involve manual labor. However, Margaritaville is also looking for someone whose “specific vision abilities include close, distance, color, peripheral, depth perception and the ability to adjust focus.” I’m not sure why being colorblind would be a detriment to this job, but these physical requirements do appear to be written with the ADA in mind, with a note about reasonable accommodations. The company also warns, “Hazards include, but are not limited to, cuts from broken glass and metal cans, burns, slipping and tripping,” which sound like standard restaurant and kitchen risks.

But the real problem comes with what’s listed under the bolded header, “mental alertness requirements.” On the list: Applicants must be willing to “work in a constant state of alertness,” “work in an unfatigued state,” and have the “ability to concentrate.” I’m out. Who in the history of jobs has ever worked in an unfatigued state? I am only in a constant state of alertness if a jaguar is hunting me. Trying to write this sentence I just stared at my curtains for a good 45 seconds, mind completely blank.

If Margaritaville is hiring, perhaps that means that the bankruptcy worked and it’s not being foreclosed. But godspeed to whoever gets this job. I suppose you will need to be alert to not get distracted by the light show on the Statue of Liberty.