This Feels Like a Threat

Hey, c’mere. You like hot stuff, don’t you? I bet you do, tough guy. I bet you were the first one of your friends to crow about sriracha. You ever eat a ghost pepper whole and raw? You like Hot Ones? You think Sean Evans is a “badass”? Yeah, you freak, I bet you’d grind up the blue Takis and snort them if you could, just to feel again, because by this point the regular shit ain’t cutting it anymore. Well come over here, I got something to take the edge off: Mountain Dew Flamin’ Hot.

Yeah you read that right, spicy goddamn soda. You like that don’t you? It’s like drinking fizzy Cholula. Like you scooped habanero pulp into yellow Gatorade. “This is one of our most provocative beverages yet, and we’re excited for DEW Nation to taste the unique blend of spicy and classic sweet citrus flavor of MTN DEW,” Matt Nielsten, senior director of marketing at PepsiCo, said in a press release, but that’s just for the weak public who can’t fuckin’ handle what we’re dishing out. This is going to annihilate your body. You’re going to want to spit it out but you can’t. Look at that mascot. He’s laughing at you because he knows you’re a baby, so prove him wrong and drink it. You think you know pain? You can’t even imagine pain. You make me sick.

Hey, where are you going? Come back here! You have to come back!! The threat of violence is our only marketing strategy, honestly we just want whatever attention we can get!!!!!!!