5-Hour Energy Launches Full-Sized Can With Even More Panic-Inducing Caffeine

The first time I had a 5-Hour Energy shot, I thought I was having a heart attack. The second time, I had go to home after one drink at a bar because somehow the combination with alcohol made me feel like I’d taken a dozen tequila shots. This has led me to my conclusion that 5-Hour Energy is a menace to society (my body), and I’m terrified about the launch of its 16 oz. can.

”For the times when you’re tired and thirsty, our new carbonated beverage has a refreshing, lighter taste compared to Red Bull and Monster,” said CEO and founder Manoj Bhargava. The new beverage, thank goodness, is not just eight servings of the 5-Hour Energy shot. It has the same amount of B-12 as the small size, and 230mg of caffeine. That’s 30mg more than the shot, and about the amount of caffeine you’d find in two and a half cups of coffee, or a NoDoz caffeine pill. There’s also taurine, glucuronic acid, malic acid, and other ingredients in its “Energy Blend.”

As if it’s 2002 and we’re all at a Limp Bizkit concert, pretty much everyone is trying to get into the energy drink market again. Aside from heavy hitters like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar, Mountain Dew has introduced a morning energy drink, as has Dr. Pepper and Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson. It’s all part of the general push toward “performance enhancing” foods and beverages, even if the only performance you’re enhancing is binging all nine episodes of Squid Game in one sitting. Drink this and you’re guaranteed to be the BEST at sending yourself into an unprompted panic!